It’s time to answer another advice seeker question.
I loved how people wanted to better understand the relationships they’re in. While the last set of answers was aimed at boundaries, today’s is about re-connecting and finding joy in the relationships you have.
So, the questions I’m excited to touch on are:
How can you stay positive and empowered while dating?
How do you rediscover the joy from when you first met?
At first glance, they look like complete opposites on the spectrum, new relationships vs. old. The cool thing is, my answer still applies, no matter where you’re at.
Take a moment to write down all of the things that make you, YOU. What are your hobbies? What are your talents? What do you love to spend your time doing? What unique skills do you possess? What are your passions and drives in life?
You are a complex human being, and I know you can come up with several. Take your time and add to it as days go by. Maybe you’re great with kids even though you have none of your own. You may be the best listener or the comedic relief at work. Are you stubbornly optimistic like me, or perhaps working with your hands is more up your alley?
Once you have a list, picture it on a multi-sided dice. Each trait or talent on a different side. These facets make up the uniqueness that is you.
Every. Single. One. of us is different. We like different things and have different talents and abilities. This means that every single gem or die you come across will have facets and sides to compliment and collaborate on and others that may clash a bit.
The beauty is in finding the ones you connect with along with the ones you can learn from.
When you’re dating, you get to explore and discover. You share bits of yourself with each other, and maybe you go a little out of your comfort zone to try something new. If you’re lucky, something new may become a new passion or hobby. If the other person is willing to do the same with you, then you’ll be able to discover new areas to expand on and play with.
A word of caution – it is imperative you maintain your facets. Try new things, experiment, learn and grow, all while nurturing your unique personalness. Losing your own facets on the quest to become what someone else wants means you flatten out. If you lose your dimensionality, where is the internal space to keep laughter, joy, and mystery?
Some activities can become couple activities. Something you don’t necessarily like to do solo, and yet, with them, it’s enjoyable. For my husband and I, that’s cooking. We both love eating healthy home-cooked meals, yet neither of us wants to work in the kitchen alone. We make it a couple connection opportunity. I do all the chopping, and he does the cooking and seasoning. We connect over our days and chat about what we’re looking forward to or have been challenged by.
In other words, we talk about our facets and how we enjoyed them throughout the day. As I mentioned before, tending to my own passions and he to his means we have more sides to connect on and talk about.
I like to visualize the third die. There’s mine with all of my bits of being, his with his loves and passions, and then the one we nurture as a couple.
The beauty of this is acknowledging the shifts and changes that can happen. One facet may smooth out and be replaced with a new hobby. We’re all changing and growing, shifting and learning. What my die looked like 20 years ago is totally different than it looks now. And my couple’s die has completely changed too. Ten years ago, the kids were still at home, and once, we were empty nesters – Did our focuses and hobbies alter? Hell YES!
Think of it as how facets on a prism catch the light and reflect it back as the gem moves and shifts. Due to the constantly shifting nature of humans, relationships are always adjusting too; the light can be brighter or less blinding. The key is nurturing your facts on the die. What do you both love to do? How does it differ from when you first got together? Is there anything you’d like to return to or something new you’d like to try? Do you need to recapture date nights?
And in the dating scene, what facets would you like someone to share with you? What of your own are you most proud of and able to confidently hold onto when things get frustrating? If you look at traits as facets for relationships, does it help you recognize when someone simply isn’t a good fit?
You and your facets are beautiful. You are a unique die with so many opportunities to connect and share throughout life. Don’t lose a single one of them on behalf of someone else. If they don’t like the way you shine and catch the light, let them go. It’s not about them accepting you; it’s about you deciding if they’re complimentary to your facets.