I’m telling you to do self-care because quite frankly, I need it. And if I need it, I’m sure that there are a whole bunch of other people out there that need it too. When I tell you a story about stuff that I’ve been through and something that I’m learning, it’s because I’m literally, seriously learning that and dealing with that and going through it again  It’s not some made-up jargon. It’s my life experience. And I know that through my life experiences, other people can relate to and understand it. It’s how people connect with one another, knowing that we’re all on the same level, knowing that we’re all here together and that no one is better than anyone else. We’re all at different points in our lives. I tell people to own their shit. I can tell you that I have had to look at my life and own my shit and where I have contributed to my own downfalls, where I have contributed to my own successes and digging myself out.  

I have really had to own that and be aware of, you know what? Yeah, I got divorced and I was a partner in that. I caused the demise as much as my husband at the time. And like my childhood, I did things that were difficult to like, I am creating my own reality. So people in wanting to get to know me and wanting to connect a little bit more, keep saying Krystal, be more vulnerable, be more vulnerable. Tell us more, let us in more. And the problem is that I’m sure you can agree with me that being vulnerable is not comfortable. We have worked so hard and so long to be where we are and being vulnerable is not a part of that. Because being strong is where society wants us all to be and wants us all to be these confident, fantastic people. The reality is you only gain that confidence.  

That’s confidence and strength because you’ve been through the challenges you’ve, been through the pain. And through that learning experience is where you’re able to stand stronger and say, Holly, I lived through that. Look at me. Now, this is where I am now. Just because people are telling me, we want you to be vulnerable and we want to connect with you and we want to learn more about you doesn’t mean that you’re asking me to be weak while my brain may think that that’s not what you’re asking for. You’re asking for connection. You’re asking for truth and reality. So in honoring that I’ve put together some of my own fundamental truths. And perhaps because people learn better from teachers that they connect with, you will be able to connect with me even deeper from this moment. And listening to this podcast, I’m taking off my armor and I’m giving you a glimpse into my heart.  

Five of my fundamental truths. I am a super quick learner and a pretty damn good teacher. Now in school, I would regularly get BS and CS and that’s average. I wasn’t a great student. I wasn’t getting A’s all the time, but I also didn’t study. I didn’t really care about my grades enough to really dive in. I’m sure if I had studied and dove in, is that the word, that I would have gotten better grades. Yet I was able to grasp what was being given to me and regurgitate it as needed to be able to get the grades required to pass. Now, my parents weren’t really happy with BS and CS. They wanted me to be a much better student. And this left me feeling like I wasn’t a super smart person. Yet my ability to religiously get passing grades and know what I was doing is a pretty good thing.  

I am a sponge. I am a student of life and the experiences around me, what can I learn from you? What can you teach me? What can you learn from me? I soak it all up and I assimilate it. I really want to know, maybe you dealt with something differently than I did, and I can learn from that, learn from your experiences, expand on it, applying new ideas to my own life in new ways, magnifying the possibility, being a quick learner and being able to take on all of that information and then apply it or release. It means that I am constantly finding ways to help myself be better. And that also means because I’ve learned from you, I’ve learned from other people that I can relate to you, which means that I have the ability to teach in a very compassionate and gentle way.  

I accept everyone exactly where they’re at because I really don’t care. I don’t care where you were. I care where you’re going and how you can get there. And the beauty of you and who you are. I believe you can’t teach anything yourself, that you have not had the opportunity to experience. And I’m telling you, I’ve had the opportunity to experience a lot. Number four in my five fundamental truths is that I have a lot to give and I need to give just as much to myself along the way I learned from others that I was a taker and that I never gave back to the people around me. I heard it often enough from air quotes, trusted sources, that it became this deep, dark, inner hatred of myself. It was a hideous monstrous piece of me that I really, really, really wanted to hide from the world because nobody wants to be a taker.  

So I began giving everything was how can I prove to this person that I’m a loving giving, genuine, generous person? How can I help those around me? How can I give? So nobody thinks that I’m a taker. And I can’t tell you how many times I burned out the phrase. The word careworn was a big part of my life. I was worn from caring so much. I gave everything I could with every minute that I had and I would tirelessly meet the needs of others to prove to myself that the creature hidden in the basement of a taker was not worthy and didn’t exist. Exhaustion meant failure, which added to my dialogue of inadequacy. And I can tell you, I would curl up in the basement sobbing because I had failed in giving enough and failed helping somebody else enough. This inner demon of mine was so all-encompassing that I was failing to give to myself. You hear the cry for self-care, the need to take care of you. That without you, you cannot give to the other people. I really had to come to a visceral understanding, an absolute understanding in my heart that it’s okay. It’s okay to put me first. That doesn’t mean I’m a taker. I can still give and love and help. There is no monster in hiding. The third fundamental truth is letting go of control.  

My childhood had very little control. The people around me struggled to exercise control over their own situations and navigate their own lives. Let me tell you, I was no help in any of that. Their struggles to exert control over their lives, and thus over me, added to my own insecurities, my fears, and my confusion, which meant that I added to their lack of control, which just created this vicious, unhealthy unrecognized cycle. I got married. I had kids and my unhealthy marriage began to decline. My life was even more out of control. As I became a germaphobe, mentally seeking out any way I could possibly find control. As a germaphobe, it’s a prison, it’s so difficult to go anywhere, be anywhere, do anything. Yet my contact with germs was the one thing in my out-of-control life that I had control over.  

If I could control what I came into contact with, maybe things would be better. And it continued to add to my isolation and my personal insecurity. It just kept going, this horrible cycle. So how do you break that? Have do you learn how to let go of control? I am grateful. I call myself a recovering germaphobe every now and then when life is a little stressful, it rears its ugly head. But for the most part, I’m a lot better. I can use a public bathroom. I can share a dessert with somebody having embraced and healed that need for control means that I am now able to run a business without micromanaging every one of my employees. I mean, controlling everything they do. I’m able to step back and say, yeah, that’s okay, whatever you think is best. Oh, I have opinions on how things should go.  

I’m also able to take suggestions and flow with them. Like the one right now of be more vulnerable. I learned how to let go of control. Number two in my five fundamental truths is that I learned how strong and all-encompassing my emotions can be growing up. I was told often to calm down or pick your head up, don’t be too happy, and don’t be too sad and no one wants to see this. And it meant that all of my emotions were just bottled up and put under this pressure cooker. You’re attempting my need for control. Everything is just coming to a head. And yet when I finally learned that emotions are not only valid but beautiful. I learned that holy crap when I am happy and joyful, I am bubbling. I’m bouncing around like a little kid on Christmas day.  

When I am sad, you sure as hell know, I’m sad because I’m going to cry. I’m going to let it out. And if I’m even killing, even keel, every emotion, the entire gamut, I sit with them. I get to know them. And when I’m around people and they’re like, how are you? I get to sit and say, Hmm, you know, I’m a little tired right now. I’m a little emotional just because I’m tired or I am unbelievably fantastic. I’m so excited. It’s spring. And the sun is out and things are turning green and everything is just so filled with hope that my heart is flying in this moment. My emotions can be all-encompassing and the people around me absolutely feel it. So I need to be aware of them. I learn how to make sure that while I experienced them, they aren’t negatively affecting those around me.  

The number one thing I’ve learned, my number one fundamental truth is that I am a survivor of abuse, emotional, mental, verbal rape, patriarchy, general, religious bonds, and sexuality. Let me tell ya, we all go through shit. We all have a hard time. We have moments that have the opportunity to break us and they may break us for a moment before we stand up and say, bullshit, I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere. I’m a survivor. And I wanted to empower everyone to be survivors, not just of what has been done to you, but what you also do to yourself, those beliefs, those thoughts, those emotions that hold you back and tell you that you are less than, or not worthy. Those beliefs that you’ve adopted because other people have told you and you continue to ingest. I refuse to endure the disrespectful treatment of my amazing human self, not by myself and not by anyone else.  

I pray that others find that same strength. You’re amazing. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are a survivor. You have the ability to make it through this and change it for so many beautiful, positive, wonderful days ahead. You have the power to change where you’re at. You get to create where you’re at. You don’t have to accept the path that somebody else has told you to walk time. Patience, self-ownership, and understanding. Humility have worked to heal the wounds of my past. And yet they’ve left a reminder of strength of hope and of lessons learned for the future. So I look at my team and I say, how’s that for vulnerable? How’s that for sharing some lessons that I’ve learned and keep in mind that lessons I’ve learned and shit that I’ve owned are two completely different things. Yes. I learned a lesson, a new truth. 

 I had to work through the heavy challenges in order to be able to see that light at the end of the tunnel. And it is not a freight train. It was actually something beautiful. I know that I contributed to the chaos and the uncertainty in my youth. I know that I needed love and attention. I know that I asked for things in unhealthy ways and that people didn’t have the tools to help me. These are shit I’ve owned. The truths that I’ve learned are just as beautiful in being vulnerable in this spirit of vulnerability that people have repeatedly been asking me to bring out lately, I encourage you to sit back. What are some fundamental truths that you have learned about yourself? Some beautiful things that on the one hand, it’s a challenge. And on the other hand, damn right, you did that. I promise you that if you sit down and you do that, and you look at it, you’ll actually empower yourself. You will find a strength that you didn’t necessarily know was there. And in finding that strength and reminding yourself of what your five fundamental truths are, things will shift. You just might find that you’re holding your head up a little bit higher and you’re smiling a little bit broader. And that, yeah, I did that. Thank you for being here with me. Thank you for listening while I shared some depth of my own. I look forward to being here with you again next week on Breathe In, Breathe Out.  

I hope this moment of self-care and healing brought you some hope and peace. I’m @krystaljakosky on Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube and I hope you check us out and follow along for more content coming soon. I look forward to being with you again here on Breathe In, Breathe Out. Until next time, take care.