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Letting Go

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I’ve been working really hard to let go of things. And yes, at times it’s been really hard. Others it’s been easy. 

I used to be a control freak. I needed to orchestrate everything around me and that extended to people too. The more “out of control” I felt the more I pushed on my environment to get it back. At one point, everything around me was so difficult a part of my brain sought out what it could do and I became germaphobic. It started with little things. I couldn’t use a public bathroom. Pretty normal.

But then I couldn’t use a friend’s restroom, or the one at work. Drinking from the same glass meant you got the rest of my drink. If you took a bite of food from my plate I was finished. And forget offering me a bite of yours. Door handles, phone handsets, couches… showering in a strange bathroom. It was growing and becoming a bit debilitating.

How did I turn things around? Counseling. An amazing, patient, understanding man who helped me own my fears and break down walls to embrace the being hiding inside.

Recently I stepped back and realized I had let too much go. I had done such a fabulous job of releasing the need to do everything my way I had lost sight of what way I truly wanted to go. I lost awareness of the need for balance and was swinging into being a puppet, dancing to the master’s whims.

This is a pendulum. It swings both ways, back and forth.  Like many things in life we have to seek balance and understanding. There will be things I need to allow and things I’ll need to control. 

Allowing emotions and controlling reactions. Allowing others their opinions and judgements.  What am I experiencing and what do I need to express? 

I’ll keep letting go. Releasing. I’ll find balance and understanding. I’ll keep learning and navigating. Where is that middle ground? What can I let go of while still maintaining what’s important? Is there anything I’m holding on to that is harming me more than it’s helping me? If so, what can I do to help heal? What assistance do I need?

 

                                         with love,

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